i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
