i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
