I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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