the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
