Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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