Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
