I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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