This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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