In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
