I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
