Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
