you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
