turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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