come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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