This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
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Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
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But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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