Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
