Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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