maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
