As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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