omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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