Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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