We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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