I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you inspire me to be a worse person
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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