If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
