So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
