Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
