Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
