I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
