I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
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scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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