we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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