The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
