I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
