you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
