nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
