my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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