we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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