Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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