Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
