Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
