So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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