I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
