Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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