why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
