soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Congratulations! We have a period
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
