my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
