My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
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I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
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Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
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