The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
