I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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