so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
