hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is Oprah even human
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
