Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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