I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
