RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
All I want is dick and wine.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
