My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
