Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
