gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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