Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
