you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
