Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
