there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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