You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Someone came in the potted fern
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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